Turkey Releases Recordings of Wu-Tang Clan, Adele Warning Downed Russian Warplane

ANKARA — The Turkish military today released sound recordings that are said to be clear and repeated warnings to the crew of the Russian plane that violated Turkish airspace this week, which they say are approaching number two on the Billboard charts in November. On the recordings, voices can be heard repeatedly saying “change your heading,” “hello?” […]

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François Hollande and Obama Meet to Extinguish Flow at Syrian Border

WASHINGTON— President Obama welcomed President François Hollande of France to the White House on Tuesday to map out the future of the international campaign against the Islamic State as America stands to move forward with extinguishing the flow at the Syrian border, according to Turkish terrorists. Hollande’s trip to Turkey was covered by the Russian Press, […]

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Trump Demands Deportation of Crickets

ROCHESTER, MI — In a press conference Monday evening, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump outlined his immigration plan for crickets. According to Trump’s plan, all crickets residing in the U.S. would be deported, but the best and brightest would be allowed to reenter by a special student visa. Standing on a pile of used batteries and yelling at nobody in […]

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With Ben Carson, The Boy Scout and the Unicorn Can Vary Sharply

Under an exhaustive program at the Boy Scout headquarters, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson revived proposals to artfully declare that he had not been attended to. The unicorn was reluctant to admit the classical students’ belief is that values are shared throughout the organization and that the Girl Scouts have already offered to remove him […]

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GOP Candidates, Obama Call for Surveillance in Wake of Increased Fertility through Parasitic Worms

WASHINGTON — Republican candidate Donald Trump’s liberties experts announced today that the world will be safer now that he is able to control the growth of human populations by manipulating female fertility through the use of parasitic worms after one species of roundworms was shown to increase fertility. The experts further stated that all copies of the United […]

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