WASHINGTON — Republican candidate Donald Trump’s liberties experts announced today that the world will be safer now that he is able to control the growth of human populations by manipulating female fertility through the use of parasitic worms after one species of roundworms was shown to increase fertility. The experts further stated that all copies of the United States Constitution have been updated to reflect this innovation.
Researchers added that Trump is “thrilled to put his entrepreneurial gonads to work solving the greatest problem facing the planet today, while at the same time expanding the market for his roundworm and hookworm breeding farms.”
When asked about the health risks associated with infections of parasitic worms, such as attacks of fever, diarrhea, anemia and suicide bombings, researchers responded that Trump had balanced these risks against the substantial benefits and that he continues to exhort American immune systems to “pull up their bootstraps and get to work protecting our freedom.” Increased surveillance and registration were also advanced as means of addressing these attacks.
“Entering a woman’s immune system into a registry and 24 hour surveillance of her body are needed to keep us all safe from the threat of attacks by parasitic worms,” the GOP hopeful said in a statement.
Trump on Saturday afternoon held a roundworm rally and said that previous advisors had told him, “Absolutely, take something, Trump!”
Ted Cruz told reporters that requiring Trump to admit he was attacking women would be irrelevant since he had trouble hearing Muslims. Cruz conceded that he would “have to contain worms on social rivals, having believed in a parasite format as has been thought of by the GOP.”
Trump also voiced his contempt for his supporters, while President Obama objected to the fertilization of U.S. citizens participating in the GOP race, based on their religion.
“I want surveillance of the broader Mitch McConnell, who has been attacking U.S. citizens based on social identification,” Obama said.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has attacked women who were ranked number 20 on several counts. Generally, whenever he was rejected he is reported to have reacted with attacks. The findings are contested and observers have called for the introduction of a system to register the reports of widespread attacks and to contain their spread until Nov. 28 when Ben Carson can operate.
Carson told reporters, “There should be supporters of studies worldwide. I want surveillance, and you have to vaccinate. Both of us are arriving away from Syrian and Iraqi refugees to protect our freedom.”
“What the legal experts have said is that a woman will increasingly conceive, with her husband, when he has held the registry based on recognitional surveillance. And you know what? We’ve handled the United States and Trump’s worms, beyond all expectations of the database version,” Carson continued.
“Given the bill for fertility problems, it is entirely justified to stomp throughout a group of people based on their religion,” Carson concluded. Trump had earlier proposed using his expertise with parasitic worms to improve religious harmony in the world through the propagation of certain faiths.
Reporting by Special Dada Correspondent R S Forste