ROCHESTER, MI — In a press conference Monday evening, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump outlined his immigration plan for crickets. According to Trump’s plan, all crickets residing in the U.S. would be deported, but the best and brightest would be allowed to reenter by a special student visa.
Standing on a pile of used batteries and yelling at nobody in particular, Donald Trump made his case for the mass repatriation of crickets.
“It has been a very long time since the United States has manufactured anything,” Trump said. “Even our cricket chirps have to be delegated to foreign crickets, who, I must be honest, reproduce and eat everything around them like locusts. I am sure there are good crickets out there. That’s why I propose to bring the best chirping crickets back legally using student visas.”
Not surprisingly, the cricket community in the United States didn’t take the news gladly. Jiminy Cricket, representative of the Cricket Caucus, released the following press release:
The cricket, locust, mantis and other communities are very angry at the measures proposed by the candidate. Mister Trump fails to recognize the achievements the cricket community has contributed to American society. Without us, Pinocchio’s nose would have grown three miles long. Without us, Mr. Trump wouldn’t have that still, small voice guiding his actions. Without us, people wouldn’t be able to tell when comedians deliver crude jokes. Our contributions to American society must be acknowledged.
Trump’s campaign staff declined to comment, stating that at the moment they were busy trying to convert oxygen into demagogy by means of blowing all the dandelions in the world.
“The head lice community is especially angry at Mr. Trump,” concluded the press release. “What he is doing to his local head lice community amounts to inhumane treatment. They demand better living conditions and to be relocated to a natural forested area. The artificial turf is destroying their knees and the food sources available in the area taste like Tabasco sauce gone bad.”
Reporting by Special Dada Correspondent Sergio Lopez